Inspired by Jesus. From a Christian. For the Christian and anyone else who bothers to listen.

The Story of the Fall of Man: Conservative Church Style August 18, 2012

Filed under: Christian Culture — christical @ 12:37 pm

I decided to try my hand at humor today. I was inspired by a Jon Acuff guest post. I included a few references to what my church is like (no, I’m not bitter at all :-p).

Once there lived a loving church lady. She had two grandkids, a tall, polite boy and a petite, soft-spoken girl. Their names were Liam and Genevieve. One day, Liam and Genevieve’s family moved into town, and the church lady took the kids to church and put them in church volunteer groups to cultivate and keep the garden of believers. However, the church lady warned them, “You may sing in the choir. You may help in the kitchen on soup supper nights. You may help the church however you like; but of the electric instruments and Christian rock songs you will not partake, because it is the devil’s music, and he will have drawn you in.”

Now the worship leader was craftier than any member of the church, and he wore the most hair product too, and had the “Green”-est car. And one day, he approached Genevieve and said, “What do you think of my hair product?”

Genevieve said, “Indeed, you have more hair product on your head than my aunt Harriet the stylist in 1985.”

And the worship leader said, “Rad. But that’s not what I’m here for. Did your grandmother the church lady really say that you shall not volunteer in the church?”

“We can participate in any volunteering we wish, but as for Christian rock music and electricity-powered instruments, Grandma said, ‘You must not participate in it, or you will have been drawn in to the devil by his music.'”

The worship leader said to Genevieve, “You will not have been drawn in by the devil’s music! For your grandma knows that when you partake of it, your ears will be opened, and you will be like all the other cool Christian teenagers, knowing good and hymnal.”

When Genevieve saw that the music was fun to listen to, and that Jars of Clay was delightful to the ears, and that the electric guitar was desirable to make one awesome, she partook of the contemporary music; and she took Liam with her to a MercyMe concert. Then the ears of them were opened, and they knew that the hymn music was making them fall asleep in church; so they went to the contemporary service, and tried to keep their grandma from finding out.

While they were at the contemporary praise service, Liam and Genevieve heard the sound of the church lady walking through the church. Then their grandma the church lady called to Liam, and said to him, “Where are you?”

Liam said, “I heard you come in to church, and I was playing electric guitar, so I hid.”

“Who taught you to play the electric guitar? Have you listened to the music of which I told you not to listen?”

Then Liam said, “Genevieve, whom you have taken to church with me, she started playing the music, and I listened.”

Grandma the church lady said to Genevieve, “Why have you done this? Wasn’t singing in the choir enough?”

And Genevieve said, “The worship leader deceived me, and I listened.”

The church lady said to the worship leader, “Because you have done this, cursed are you more than all people with tattoos, and more than every person who doesn’t tithe ten percent; in your TOMS you will go, and imported coffee you will drink all the days of your life; I will put enmity between you and the senior pastor, between your kind and his kind; he shall not allocate money to you for repairs, and you shall play music that is more recent than 1937.”

To Genevieve she said, “I will increase your frustration in the buffet line at church events, with a struggle you will get the last plate of Jello; yet your desire will be for the macaroni and cheese hotdish, and the older people will go in line before you.”

Then to Liam she said, “Because you have listened to Genevieve, and listened to the devil’s music, cursed are the contemporary worship services because of you. In toil you will try to get attendance up all the days on the praise team. Both no-attendance summers and poor equipment will become commonplace; and you will play live music with it; by sitting through church council meetings the contemporary service will have a voice, until you return to the regular services, because from it you came. You are an LCMS, and to LCMS you shall return.”

–The Jesus Freak Girl


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